Finding Light In The Darkness and Faith In The Fear.

On Sunday at church I will be giving a testimony. I am feeling both terrified as well as excited. I understand that not everyone is a christian or religious and I know that not everyone likes to read about such things but I encourage you to read till the end. You never know, it could help you. Growing up I went to church with my parents and when they divorced I went with my father and step-mother. Sometimes we skipped church but most Sundays we went and I loved it. I was the child that wanted to go to church and wanted to stay for the "adult church" instead of going to children's church. The pastor had even commented once that he was impressed with how focused I was on his sermons and how I really paid attention to what he said. For me church was a safe haven. No matter how chaotic life was or how tumultuous life got, I always had church. When I was about 7 I had asked god to forgive me of my sins and chose to give my life over to him. Sadly when I was about 11 we stopped going to church because my step-mother started working on Sundays and my father didn't like going without her. I still prayed and I still believed in God. That all changed when I was 14. I was sexually assaulted by someone I trusted and it was the worst thing to happen to me in my life. I didn't know how to deal with the pain and anger and sadness that followed. I prayed for god to take away my pain and make it stop. I was angry at him for letting this happen to me. I was angry at god for not protecting me. I was also angry at myself. I felt that I had done something to cause this to happen. I was also angry for being angry, I thought that because I wasn't raped that I had no right to be so upset because "it could have been worse". Obviously that didn't help my anger any. This was what I believe caused me to fall into a deep depression and I pulled even farther away from my faith. I went to youth group to hang out with friends but I never really felt that God truly existed. It wasn't until my attempted suicide that I started to find my way back to God and my faith. My family and friends know about my depression now and how much I struggled. What they may not know is that I didn't just start taking OCT meds that would make me sleep and cutting myself. I also started drinking a lot. This started about a year ago. My husband and I would have a drink every now and again but I drank when he was sleeping or at work and wouldn't tell him. I would make my mixed drinks really strong and I was mixing that with pain pills I had leftover from when I had my wisdom teeth removed.  About the time I started abusing alcohol I started having a strong urge to go back to church. I lived directly across from a church and I would look out my window and think about what it would be like to walk into that church and ask for God to forgive me. I would day dream about it and then I would push it out of my head and walk away. I would convince myself that if he did in fact exist then I was too far gone and it he had obviously been punishing me. When I was in the hospital I had an angel of a nurse who sat with me one day and with her arm around my shoulder and tears on her cheeks she told me of a man who loved me and had bigger plans for me. She told me of God. What she couldn't have known was that at the time I had been thinking about how I was going to do things differently next time. Meaning when I was tried to kill myself again, because at that time there was going to be a next time. When she left the room I was crying and I remember praying to God. I was telling him that if he existed I needed to know. I needed to feel it and I needed him. After praying I "heard" a voice so real telling me once again to go back to church. About 2 weeks later I asked my mother about her church and where it was located. On May 1st I went back to church for the first time in nearly 16 years and it was like coming home. I felt instant peace when I walked in. All my nerves calmed and I felt at home. I knew I was where I belonged. That day I once again asked God to forgive me and I vowed to turn my life over to him. I got baptized on July 31st. I never completely stopped drinking and I still found myself craving it in the middle of the day or thinking I needed a drink after a rough or long day. This past Sunday I made the choice to stop drinking for as much. Now instead of turning to self destruction and self harm I turn to prayer and my bible. I have come so far and I am so proud of myself. I may not understand why bad things happen or why I had to go through the stuff I did but I do know that God has bigger and better things in store for me. I am here today because God wasn't ready for me yet and I have not fulfilled my life's purpose. When I need to be reminded that I am not alone I listen to the song "Chain Breaker" by Mercy Me.  "My God Turns My Darkness Into Light-.   Psalms 18:28"