God's Grace And Love When I Needed It Most!

     If you read my last blog post you know that I was giving a testimony at church. It went so good. I was terrified but I felt so good afterwards. It was like this weight had been lifted. I didn't go into detail about my depression and I didn't disclose the fact that I cut to feel better. I just said what I felt in my heart was most important. I don't deserve god's grace or love but I have it and I am so grateful. I could never thank him enough for loving me when I needed it most. I encourage you. If you haven't done it yet. Pray. Ask god for his saving grace and his forgiveness. If you leave it all at his feet the burden gets lighter and life gets better.

Finding Light In The Darkness and Faith In The Fear.

On Sunday at church I will be giving a testimony. I am feeling both terrified as well as excited. I understand that not everyone is a christian or religious and I know that not everyone likes to read about such things but I encourage you to read till the end. You never know, it could help you. Growing up I went to church with my parents and when they divorced I went with my father and step-mother. Sometimes we skipped church but most Sundays we went and I loved it. I was the child that wanted to go to church and wanted to stay for the "adult church" instead of going to children's church. The pastor had even commented once that he was impressed with how focused I was on his sermons and how I really paid attention to what he said. For me church was a safe haven. No matter how chaotic life was or how tumultuous life got, I always had church. When I was about 7 I had asked god to forgive me of my sins and chose to give my life over to him. Sadly when I was about 11 we stopped going to church because my step-mother started working on Sundays and my father didn't like going without her. I still prayed and I still believed in God. That all changed when I was 14. I was sexually assaulted by someone I trusted and it was the worst thing to happen to me in my life. I didn't know how to deal with the pain and anger and sadness that followed. I prayed for god to take away my pain and make it stop. I was angry at him for letting this happen to me. I was angry at god for not protecting me. I was also angry at myself. I felt that I had done something to cause this to happen. I was also angry for being angry, I thought that because I wasn't raped that I had no right to be so upset because "it could have been worse". Obviously that didn't help my anger any. This was what I believe caused me to fall into a deep depression and I pulled even farther away from my faith. I went to youth group to hang out with friends but I never really felt that God truly existed. It wasn't until my attempted suicide that I started to find my way back to God and my faith. My family and friends know about my depression now and how much I struggled. What they may not know is that I didn't just start taking OCT meds that would make me sleep and cutting myself. I also started drinking a lot. This started about a year ago. My husband and I would have a drink every now and again but I drank when he was sleeping or at work and wouldn't tell him. I would make my mixed drinks really strong and I was mixing that with pain pills I had leftover from when I had my wisdom teeth removed.  About the time I started abusing alcohol I started having a strong urge to go back to church. I lived directly across from a church and I would look out my window and think about what it would be like to walk into that church and ask for God to forgive me. I would day dream about it and then I would push it out of my head and walk away. I would convince myself that if he did in fact exist then I was too far gone and it he had obviously been punishing me. When I was in the hospital I had an angel of a nurse who sat with me one day and with her arm around my shoulder and tears on her cheeks she told me of a man who loved me and had bigger plans for me. She told me of God. What she couldn't have known was that at the time I had been thinking about how I was going to do things differently next time. Meaning when I was tried to kill myself again, because at that time there was going to be a next time. When she left the room I was crying and I remember praying to God. I was telling him that if he existed I needed to know. I needed to feel it and I needed him. After praying I "heard" a voice so real telling me once again to go back to church. About 2 weeks later I asked my mother about her church and where it was located. On May 1st I went back to church for the first time in nearly 16 years and it was like coming home. I felt instant peace when I walked in. All my nerves calmed and I felt at home. I knew I was where I belonged. That day I once again asked God to forgive me and I vowed to turn my life over to him. I got baptized on July 31st. I never completely stopped drinking and I still found myself craving it in the middle of the day or thinking I needed a drink after a rough or long day. This past Sunday I made the choice to stop drinking for as much. Now instead of turning to self destruction and self harm I turn to prayer and my bible. I have come so far and I am so proud of myself. I may not understand why bad things happen or why I had to go through the stuff I did but I do know that God has bigger and better things in store for me. I am here today because God wasn't ready for me yet and I have not fulfilled my life's purpose. When I need to be reminded that I am not alone I listen to the song "Chain Breaker" by Mercy Me.  "My God Turns My Darkness Into Light-.   Psalms 18:28"

One step forward, 3 steps back.

     Over the last several weeks I have been feeling as if I am stuck in my progress of healing. I continue to see my counselor and he is insistent that I am making progress. I just don't feel it. Some days I am okay and would even go as far as to say I feel good and happy. Other days I feel as if I have been hit with an emotional tsunami. I just want to cry and lay in bed and sleep all day. I find it hard to get through the day and those nasty little thoughts creep in telling me I am worthless and I don't deserve to be happy. I fight to ignore them. I make myself get up, showered, dressed and moving for the day. I make myself eat breakfast and some times that helps, unfortunately other times I end up on the couch all day. The nights are the worst. I have been having terrible nightmares and night terrors. I am up till 3 or 4am some nights because I just can't sleep. I end up crying and over thinking things. My mind tries to play tricks on me. It tells me that I am a burden and not what anyone should have to deal with. It tells me that I will fail, that I will never get better because I don't deserve to. Some days I just feel nothing at all. Those are the days that I have to fight the hardest, Because at least when I feel something I can fight it. When I feel nothing there isn't anything to fight. Sometimes I tell my husband how bad it is but most of the time I deal alone because I am afraid he will get tired of picking me up and will stop loving me. I don't want to pile more on him. I tell everyone I am doing so much better and put a smile on my face even when I am breaking inside. I don't want to make them worry or sad or make them wonder if I will try end my life again. To be honest I have thought about what I could have done differently when I think about my attempt to end my life. That usually happens when those nasty little thought creep in. When the days and night feel too long and to difficult to handle. Or when the pain gets so bad that I have to remind myself I am still alive for a reason. Those are the times I think about what I could have done differently. I have pushing people away because it is really hard to keep pretending to be happy all the time. I don't want them to know that I am sad. I don't want to put that worry on them. So I make up reasons I can't do something or haven't called or don't show up to things. It's exhausting putting on a smile when all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for years. I am so tired all the time. It's more than a physical or mental exhaustion to. It's soul deep and I feel trapped. I feel as though it will never end. It's the type of exhaustion that sleep simply will not fix. The only fix is to keep pushing through until I find my way of coping that works and won't hurt me. My brand of coping wouldn't and should never be approved of. Taking a knife to my skin had been my way of coping for so long that I find myself having to find a new way to cope. I started using alcohol and thankfully stopped. I still have the urge to cut or drink or take a pill when I am having a bad day. I have been able to keep away from those strategies. I don't know how long that will last but I hope it lasts forever. I haven't taken a knife to my skin in over months. I have used pills to cope however. As strange as it may seem I started taking ibuprophen Pm to make me sleep. I would take it even during the day and I wouldn't take the 2 pill dose I would take 4 or 5. I just wanted to sleep and forget for just a little bit that I am a mess and screwed up. I hope to one day be able to look back and think, "I survived". For now all I can do is take it one day at a time and have faith in god and hope that I will get through this.

Sometimes What You Think Will Help Only Makes It Worse.

     Let me start by saying that I love my family very much and I am appreciative of all they do for me. That being said, I wish sometimes that some people would back off. Dealing with depression and all my other mental illness' is difficult enough without having to keep fighting someone you love. I am not going to name names here because that is not what this is about. I want to help others realize that sometimes what they think is helpful really isn't. I have a person in my life who keeps getting mad at me for decisions I am making that they do not agree with. Now these decisions do not have anything to do with my recovery but the subsequent arguing that occurs does, because it takes me 2 steps back. I have been told that they feel I am making poor choices and they have to stop me from doing so. They have made it clear that they are concerned and are worried because I was just in the hospital because I overdosed in an attempt to commit suicide. This has been happening for years. They have been getting angry at me for making decisions they do not agree with even though it does not effect them. I love this person very much but no matter how many times I ask them to stop they won't and it is getting worse. Our relationship has gone from great to not so good and part of that is the fact that I have started to state my own feeling and have stopped just letting them yell at me. Because of this, I was told that our relationship is bad because I keep making choices they do not like. I understand they are concerned but what they do not seem to understand is that they are making it worse. If I disagree I get yelled at. If I yell back I get screamed at. If I can get this person to listen long enough for me to state my feeling I get an attitude if it is not what they want to hear. I am at a point that I get anxious at the thought of talking to them because I know that it will probably turn into an argument. My point in all of this is that if someone you love is dealing with a mental illness. Ask them how you can help and do it. Even if that means keeping your mouth shut. I understand how hard that can be but unfortunately sometimes your best intentions make things worse even if you were trying to make it better. Listen to them when they want to talk and whatever you do, Please do not throw it in there face at a later date. Sometime what I am feeling at the moment is irrational and I think something is going on that isn't. Sadly when I have talked to said person about issues I am having it gets used at a later date to say "see what happens when you don't listen to me" or "did you forget what happened then". That is never okay. It is never okay to continue to hurt someone because you believe you are right and they are wrong. I am sure some of this made no sense and I am sorry for that. Have you ever had someone think they were helping when they were not? What did you do? Did it help the situation? Comment below and let me know.

Mental Illness, What You Need To Know

     Currently there are an estimated 61.5 million adults who are living with a mental illness. About 1 in 17 or 13.6 million of those suffer from a serious form of mental illness such as, bi polar disorder, schizophrenia, and major depression. Approximately 20% of today's youth ages 13 to 18 and 13% ages 8 to 15 will suffer from a major mental disorder in any given year. Those numbers are staggering. Sadly many will not get treatment. Approximately 60% of adults and 50% of youths will receive no treatment. About 50% of all serious mental illness starts by the age of 14 and about one third starts by age 24. Part of the problem is the stigma that surrounds mental illness. Too many of us do not know enough about mental illness and brush it off as not that serious. In reality it should be taken very seriously. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in America, the 3rd leading cause of death among people ages 10-14 and the 2nd leading cause of death in people ages 15 to 24, about 90% of those suffer from a mental illness. It is so important to take someone seriously if they make any indication of possibly committing suicide. Even if they make it seem like a joke.
     These are just a few different kinds of mental illness. Schizophrenia, Depression, Bi Polar Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Obsessive-compulsive Disorder (OCD), Personality Disorders, Addictive and Impulse control Disorders, Eating disorders. There are so many more and sadly most people do not even realize it.  I will do a full list on a separate Post. Many suffer from more than 1. I tried to find the number but unfortunately could not. I myself suffer from 5 of those that are listed. Please you suspect or know of someone who is struggling with a mental illness, encourage them to get help. Sometimes all it takes is one person to say "I am here, and you are not alone" and mean it to make all the difference. If you or someone you know is at risk of committing suicide please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If you do not want to talk to someone you can text 741741 to talk to a Crisis Counselor anonymously. 

Bad Night

When I started this blog I promised myself I would be honest. Tonight is turning into a very bad night for me. The last several nights I have had horrendous nightmares. Tonight I have come close to having a panic attack 3 different times. I keep replaying past traumas in my mind over and over and I can't seem to stop. It's as if I have a VCR in my brain that keeps replaying a tape and won't stop. I have many night like this. I will remember something that happened years ago and I literally start to panic and have major anxiety. I am taking my 2 A and R as well as my nephew D to claytopia to paint pottery tomorrow with my husband. I have been looking forward to this all week and now I am feeling anxious. I love those kids so so much and I want them to see me "happy". They know about my suicide attempt and I know that is was hard on them especially for A. Her and I are like two peas in a pod. She is my mini me and she is very sensitive. I need them to have happy moments and memories with me to make up for that one bad one. I need them to see me okay. I am worried that I will have an anxiety or panic attack while with them and while I am hopeful I will be okay it still scares me. They do not need to see me upset anymore. So here I sit worried about tomorrow and thinking about stuff that happened years ago that I can no longer control or change. This is what it is like for me. I will be okay one moment and them bam, out of nowhere I am crashing and feel as if I could lose it. I will start crying hysterically and feel so out of control. It usually happens when I am alone at night with just my thoughts and me. I know it takes time but I just want to feel better now. I don't want to keep feeling like this.  I will say since seeing a counselor I do feel as if there is hope for me. I don't feel so hopeless and afraid. That's not to say that I feel completely safe or as if I will be okay but I don't feel as hopeless anymore.

Moving Forward and Getting Healthy

     This morning I went back to church for the first time in a very very long time. When asked why I wanted to go back by my husband I told him it was because I was looking for something to make me feel better. When I really thought about it though, I realized that I just don't want to feel  alone anymore. Whatever your position is on religion and weather or not you believe God even exists; we all know how the saying goes. "Give it to God". They say that he is all knowing and that you are never alone in any of your struggles. Now, I still don't know what I believe. What I do know is that I do not want to be alone with this anymore. My husband, some of my family and even a few friends have all reached out to me. They have all said they understand and are here for me but the reality is they don't really know and they can't really understand completely. They don't know what I am dealing with because even if they have been there it's not their story so it is not the same. It is mine, and I am the only one who knows what is in my head and what is happening to me. I had a major break down last night at about 2:30 in the morning. Out of no where I was sobbing hysterically and I couldn't stop. My husband had woken up when I got into bed so he was already awake. I cried like that for almost 2 hours, 2 long and miserable hours. I can't even tell you how many times that has happened over the last almost 2 years. It is like I can't shut it off. I can't stop it. Tomorrow is my first appointment with my new counselor and I am really really nervous. I really want to like him and to not have to look for a new counselor. I just want to feel better and stop feeling like there is no end in sight. I want the old me back. I want to feel as if I am going to be okay because as of right now, I do not feel that way at all. It feels as though it is never ending. On a more positive note. I am meeting an old friend from high school for lunch tomorrow. It has been years since we have even spoken. She messaged me on Facebook the other day. She said she knew we hadn't spoken in a while but that she knew I was having a hard time and that she was there if I wanted to talk. So we made a plan and I am really excited if a bit nervous. I really miss having friends to actually see and not just talk to. On another positive note. I went to the gym for the first time in several months tonight and it felt so good. I used the elliptical for over 45 minutes and it felt amazing. I have decided to continue going to the gym. Not only will it be good for my health but I think it will help me mentally as well. It will give me something to focus on and to put my energy into when I am upset or in need of some stress relief. I know that there are no easy fixes and that I have a long road to recovery, but I am slowly making positive changes and I know that each change is just a small piece of the puzzle.