Bad Night

When I started this blog I promised myself I would be honest. Tonight is turning into a very bad night for me. The last several nights I have had horrendous nightmares. Tonight I have come close to having a panic attack 3 different times. I keep replaying past traumas in my mind over and over and I can't seem to stop. It's as if I have a VCR in my brain that keeps replaying a tape and won't stop. I have many night like this. I will remember something that happened years ago and I literally start to panic and have major anxiety. I am taking my 2 A and R as well as my nephew D to claytopia to paint pottery tomorrow with my husband. I have been looking forward to this all week and now I am feeling anxious. I love those kids so so much and I want them to see me "happy". They know about my suicide attempt and I know that is was hard on them especially for A. Her and I are like two peas in a pod. She is my mini me and she is very sensitive. I need them to have happy moments and memories with me to make up for that one bad one. I need them to see me okay. I am worried that I will have an anxiety or panic attack while with them and while I am hopeful I will be okay it still scares me. They do not need to see me upset anymore. So here I sit worried about tomorrow and thinking about stuff that happened years ago that I can no longer control or change. This is what it is like for me. I will be okay one moment and them bam, out of nowhere I am crashing and feel as if I could lose it. I will start crying hysterically and feel so out of control. It usually happens when I am alone at night with just my thoughts and me. I know it takes time but I just want to feel better now. I don't want to keep feeling like this.  I will say since seeing a counselor I do feel as if there is hope for me. I don't feel so hopeless and afraid. That's not to say that I feel completely safe or as if I will be okay but I don't feel as hopeless anymore.