Seeing My Mother For The First Time Since Being Home.

     To say my mother and I have a unique relationship is an understatement. My mother and I have been very close most of my life. We act more like sister and best friends than mother and daughter. When I tired killing myself things changed for a little bit and while they are getting better they are going to take time. The day after the attempted suicide my mom and sister came to see me. When my husband and sister left the room my mother told me that if I had wanted to come and stay with her instead of going home with my husband that I could. See, My family didn't know yet what had caused me to try killing myself and since my husband and I had been having issues before this they all assumed it had to do with that. I told her I would let her know and left it at that. I was released from the first hospital and transferred to a new hospital on that Saturday and then left shortly after that to go home. I called my mom to let her know I was on my way home and she was really excited. I sent a text to my sisters and brother and to my "best friend", (that's a whole other story I will tell you about later.) letting them all know that I was home. I got a text back from my "best friend" saying he  got a text from my mom telling to stay away from me. I was very upset because in that moment I felt she was trying to control things. There is a huge back story that is too long to explain at this moment and will be in a different blog post. I told her I was upset and we wound up in a screaming match over the phone. Over the next several days we fought and I ended up blocking her on Facebook and my phone because the fighting between us got so bad. A week after I was released from the hospital I got a tattoo to help remind me that I am still here for a reason. I sent her a picture of it and she was furious at me. I called her a few days later to try and clear things up and here we are. Its Saturday the 30th and today was the first time I have seen my mom since the 15th. We had a great talk and I was able to explain why I felt the way I did. When I got there she asked to see my tattoo and said she liked it and then she showed me her left wrist. I started crying almost instantly. She got a tattoo of a Simicolon with a heart below it to show her support of me. My mom and I have had our ups and downs and it will take some time to get back to where we use to be. Today reminded me that sometimes things get messed up and look really bad but, they never stay that way. I have a wonderful support system and I couldn't be more blessed. I just need to remember that it will get better. It will just take time. There is quote I saw that I love. It says, "Pain is real, but so is Hope".

I Tried To Commit Suicide

On the 14 of April of this year, I tried to commit suicide. Obviously it didn't work as I am still here. I don't remember a lot of the moments before or after; but I do remember asking for help from multiple people and getting dismissed. Not one person realized just how bad it was. I had worked that day at my new job and I had had multiple breakdowns at work. I kept having to go into the ladies room to calm myself down. I just kept thinking "I can't do this anymore". I didn't want to be in pain anymore. I texted my best friend telling him that I really needed to see him because I knew my husband would't be home for at least 2 hours after my shift. I remember flipping out on him when he said he couldn't see me that night. I begged him and he just kept saying no. I understand why now but at the time I didn't. I remember an almost errie calm coming over me as I decided that night was going to be the night I killed myself. I went to the drugstore and purchased a 72 pack bottle of sleeping pills as well as a bottle of liquid Zquell. I remember writing my best friend an email telling I loved him and that this wasn't his fault because I knew he would blame himself. I don't really remember writing that email or the two notes I wrote after I got home and had drank the whole bottle of Zquell. I don't remember taking most of the pills or laying down in bed for what I thought would be the last time. What I do remember is some guy, I think a paremedic, yelling at me to wake up and asking what I took. I remember the same guy saying "I don't like this". They said I was not acting like a typical overdose patient. I would react to some commands sometimes and other times I wouldn't even respond. They don't really understand why I reacted the way I did. I think it's because my mind was trying to fight it but my body was shutting down. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital and seeing my Husband and my Dad. My Dad had to tell my Husband to calm down because apparently he was yelling at me asking why I did it. I vaguely remember my Mom and sister an brother coming in as well as my mother-in -law. I don't remember anything else until I woke up in a private room. I was hallucinating pretty bad. My husband and family were afraid I would have lasting affects mentally because I kept having the hallucinations and I just stared blankly at them when they tried talking to me. When I awoke on Friday my husband was in the room with me. No one really talked about what happened. They just kept saying they wanted me to get better and that they loved me. Now let me just tell you that I have never been so diasppointed in my life. I told everyone I was happy to be alive but the truth is I was angry and I just kept thinking I wish I wasn't here at this moment. They kept me in the hospital for 3 days and then transfered me to a different hospital who could deal with my "issues". What happened next floored both my family and me. The pyschiatrist came in the room and asked me few questions. He asked why I did it. If I would try it again and if I had a support system. I answered the first and last question honestly and the second one, well, I lied. I said I wouldn't do it again and that I was happy to be alive. So they gave me a list of numbers for counselors and sent me home saying I wasn't a danger to myself or others. The truth is, if I knew I could get away with it and have it work this time. I would do it in a heartbeat. And so I went home and tried calling all the numbers on that stupid list. I either got no call back or the number had been dissconected. Needless to say I will be making a complaint with the hospital. I have an appointment with a counselor whom my sister gave me the number for. I see him on Monday at 11am and to say I am scared is an understatement.  I have been taking Ibuprophen Pm to help me sleep. I take anywhere from four to six at a time because it works faster and longer. I have been taking it during the day even. I just want the pain to end and it won't. It hurts because I can't seem to stop the pain. My husband is so worried about me and he cries all the time. I just keep thinking I want it all to end. Mental Illness is no joke and I wish I would have sought help sooner. The Ibuprophen Pm is kicking in so Ill write more later.