Sometimes What You Think Will Help Only Makes It Worse.

     Let me start by saying that I love my family very much and I am appreciative of all they do for me. That being said, I wish sometimes that some people would back off. Dealing with depression and all my other mental illness' is difficult enough without having to keep fighting someone you love. I am not going to name names here because that is not what this is about. I want to help others realize that sometimes what they think is helpful really isn't. I have a person in my life who keeps getting mad at me for decisions I am making that they do not agree with. Now these decisions do not have anything to do with my recovery but the subsequent arguing that occurs does, because it takes me 2 steps back. I have been told that they feel I am making poor choices and they have to stop me from doing so. They have made it clear that they are concerned and are worried because I was just in the hospital because I overdosed in an attempt to commit suicide. This has been happening for years. They have been getting angry at me for making decisions they do not agree with even though it does not effect them. I love this person very much but no matter how many times I ask them to stop they won't and it is getting worse. Our relationship has gone from great to not so good and part of that is the fact that I have started to state my own feeling and have stopped just letting them yell at me. Because of this, I was told that our relationship is bad because I keep making choices they do not like. I understand they are concerned but what they do not seem to understand is that they are making it worse. If I disagree I get yelled at. If I yell back I get screamed at. If I can get this person to listen long enough for me to state my feeling I get an attitude if it is not what they want to hear. I am at a point that I get anxious at the thought of talking to them because I know that it will probably turn into an argument. My point in all of this is that if someone you love is dealing with a mental illness. Ask them how you can help and do it. Even if that means keeping your mouth shut. I understand how hard that can be but unfortunately sometimes your best intentions make things worse even if you were trying to make it better. Listen to them when they want to talk and whatever you do, Please do not throw it in there face at a later date. Sometime what I am feeling at the moment is irrational and I think something is going on that isn't. Sadly when I have talked to said person about issues I am having it gets used at a later date to say "see what happens when you don't listen to me" or "did you forget what happened then". That is never okay. It is never okay to continue to hurt someone because you believe you are right and they are wrong. I am sure some of this made no sense and I am sorry for that. Have you ever had someone think they were helping when they were not? What did you do? Did it help the situation? Comment below and let me know.

Mental Illness, What You Need To Know

     Currently there are an estimated 61.5 million adults who are living with a mental illness. About 1 in 17 or 13.6 million of those suffer from a serious form of mental illness such as, bi polar disorder, schizophrenia, and major depression. Approximately 20% of today's youth ages 13 to 18 and 13% ages 8 to 15 will suffer from a major mental disorder in any given year. Those numbers are staggering. Sadly many will not get treatment. Approximately 60% of adults and 50% of youths will receive no treatment. About 50% of all serious mental illness starts by the age of 14 and about one third starts by age 24. Part of the problem is the stigma that surrounds mental illness. Too many of us do not know enough about mental illness and brush it off as not that serious. In reality it should be taken very seriously. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in America, the 3rd leading cause of death among people ages 10-14 and the 2nd leading cause of death in people ages 15 to 24, about 90% of those suffer from a mental illness. It is so important to take someone seriously if they make any indication of possibly committing suicide. Even if they make it seem like a joke.
     These are just a few different kinds of mental illness. Schizophrenia, Depression, Bi Polar Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Obsessive-compulsive Disorder (OCD), Personality Disorders, Addictive and Impulse control Disorders, Eating disorders. There are so many more and sadly most people do not even realize it.  I will do a full list on a separate Post. Many suffer from more than 1. I tried to find the number but unfortunately could not. I myself suffer from 5 of those that are listed. Please you suspect or know of someone who is struggling with a mental illness, encourage them to get help. Sometimes all it takes is one person to say "I am here, and you are not alone" and mean it to make all the difference. If you or someone you know is at risk of committing suicide please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If you do not want to talk to someone you can text 741741 to talk to a Crisis Counselor anonymously. 

Bad Night

When I started this blog I promised myself I would be honest. Tonight is turning into a very bad night for me. The last several nights I have had horrendous nightmares. Tonight I have come close to having a panic attack 3 different times. I keep replaying past traumas in my mind over and over and I can't seem to stop. It's as if I have a VCR in my brain that keeps replaying a tape and won't stop. I have many night like this. I will remember something that happened years ago and I literally start to panic and have major anxiety. I am taking my 2 A and R as well as my nephew D to claytopia to paint pottery tomorrow with my husband. I have been looking forward to this all week and now I am feeling anxious. I love those kids so so much and I want them to see me "happy". They know about my suicide attempt and I know that is was hard on them especially for A. Her and I are like two peas in a pod. She is my mini me and she is very sensitive. I need them to have happy moments and memories with me to make up for that one bad one. I need them to see me okay. I am worried that I will have an anxiety or panic attack while with them and while I am hopeful I will be okay it still scares me. They do not need to see me upset anymore. So here I sit worried about tomorrow and thinking about stuff that happened years ago that I can no longer control or change. This is what it is like for me. I will be okay one moment and them bam, out of nowhere I am crashing and feel as if I could lose it. I will start crying hysterically and feel so out of control. It usually happens when I am alone at night with just my thoughts and me. I know it takes time but I just want to feel better now. I don't want to keep feeling like this.  I will say since seeing a counselor I do feel as if there is hope for me. I don't feel so hopeless and afraid. That's not to say that I feel completely safe or as if I will be okay but I don't feel as hopeless anymore.

Moving Forward and Getting Healthy

     This morning I went back to church for the first time in a very very long time. When asked why I wanted to go back by my husband I told him it was because I was looking for something to make me feel better. When I really thought about it though, I realized that I just don't want to feel  alone anymore. Whatever your position is on religion and weather or not you believe God even exists; we all know how the saying goes. "Give it to God". They say that he is all knowing and that you are never alone in any of your struggles. Now, I still don't know what I believe. What I do know is that I do not want to be alone with this anymore. My husband, some of my family and even a few friends have all reached out to me. They have all said they understand and are here for me but the reality is they don't really know and they can't really understand completely. They don't know what I am dealing with because even if they have been there it's not their story so it is not the same. It is mine, and I am the only one who knows what is in my head and what is happening to me. I had a major break down last night at about 2:30 in the morning. Out of no where I was sobbing hysterically and I couldn't stop. My husband had woken up when I got into bed so he was already awake. I cried like that for almost 2 hours, 2 long and miserable hours. I can't even tell you how many times that has happened over the last almost 2 years. It is like I can't shut it off. I can't stop it. Tomorrow is my first appointment with my new counselor and I am really really nervous. I really want to like him and to not have to look for a new counselor. I just want to feel better and stop feeling like there is no end in sight. I want the old me back. I want to feel as if I am going to be okay because as of right now, I do not feel that way at all. It feels as though it is never ending. On a more positive note. I am meeting an old friend from high school for lunch tomorrow. It has been years since we have even spoken. She messaged me on Facebook the other day. She said she knew we hadn't spoken in a while but that she knew I was having a hard time and that she was there if I wanted to talk. So we made a plan and I am really excited if a bit nervous. I really miss having friends to actually see and not just talk to. On another positive note. I went to the gym for the first time in several months tonight and it felt so good. I used the elliptical for over 45 minutes and it felt amazing. I have decided to continue going to the gym. Not only will it be good for my health but I think it will help me mentally as well. It will give me something to focus on and to put my energy into when I am upset or in need of some stress relief. I know that there are no easy fixes and that I have a long road to recovery, but I am slowly making positive changes and I know that each change is just a small piece of the puzzle.