One step forward, 3 steps back.

     Over the last several weeks I have been feeling as if I am stuck in my progress of healing. I continue to see my counselor and he is insistent that I am making progress. I just don't feel it. Some days I am okay and would even go as far as to say I feel good and happy. Other days I feel as if I have been hit with an emotional tsunami. I just want to cry and lay in bed and sleep all day. I find it hard to get through the day and those nasty little thoughts creep in telling me I am worthless and I don't deserve to be happy. I fight to ignore them. I make myself get up, showered, dressed and moving for the day. I make myself eat breakfast and some times that helps, unfortunately other times I end up on the couch all day. The nights are the worst. I have been having terrible nightmares and night terrors. I am up till 3 or 4am some nights because I just can't sleep. I end up crying and over thinking things. My mind tries to play tricks on me. It tells me that I am a burden and not what anyone should have to deal with. It tells me that I will fail, that I will never get better because I don't deserve to. Some days I just feel nothing at all. Those are the days that I have to fight the hardest, Because at least when I feel something I can fight it. When I feel nothing there isn't anything to fight. Sometimes I tell my husband how bad it is but most of the time I deal alone because I am afraid he will get tired of picking me up and will stop loving me. I don't want to pile more on him. I tell everyone I am doing so much better and put a smile on my face even when I am breaking inside. I don't want to make them worry or sad or make them wonder if I will try end my life again. To be honest I have thought about what I could have done differently when I think about my attempt to end my life. That usually happens when those nasty little thought creep in. When the days and night feel too long and to difficult to handle. Or when the pain gets so bad that I have to remind myself I am still alive for a reason. Those are the times I think about what I could have done differently. I have pushing people away because it is really hard to keep pretending to be happy all the time. I don't want them to know that I am sad. I don't want to put that worry on them. So I make up reasons I can't do something or haven't called or don't show up to things. It's exhausting putting on a smile when all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for years. I am so tired all the time. It's more than a physical or mental exhaustion to. It's soul deep and I feel trapped. I feel as though it will never end. It's the type of exhaustion that sleep simply will not fix. The only fix is to keep pushing through until I find my way of coping that works and won't hurt me. My brand of coping wouldn't and should never be approved of. Taking a knife to my skin had been my way of coping for so long that I find myself having to find a new way to cope. I started using alcohol and thankfully stopped. I still have the urge to cut or drink or take a pill when I am having a bad day. I have been able to keep away from those strategies. I don't know how long that will last but I hope it lasts forever. I haven't taken a knife to my skin in over months. I have used pills to cope however. As strange as it may seem I started taking ibuprophen Pm to make me sleep. I would take it even during the day and I wouldn't take the 2 pill dose I would take 4 or 5. I just wanted to sleep and forget for just a little bit that I am a mess and screwed up. I hope to one day be able to look back and think, "I survived". For now all I can do is take it one day at a time and have faith in god and hope that I will get through this.